It can't be true. He can't be dead...I didn't even get to tell him I loved him. Forty-nine years ago, Brad was born. He will never celebrate his 50th birthday.

When someone you love dies by suicide you are left with so many thoughts and unanswered questions. Why did he do it? How come he didn't reach out to me? Where did I fail? Why didn't I... and the list goes on. If it didn't shatter, you are left with a hole in your heart and little option but to carry on. But how is that even possible?

It has taken me many years to accept the tragedy that had unfolded. My sometimes desperate attempts to cope and deal with Brad's death ultimately led to this book: the sharing of my intimate thoughts and struggles as I, too, had to carry on. I wasn't sure where to start, what to write or how to end it. Several things I know to be true: my life has taken several drastic turns, I will never be the person I was, and my thoughts will always end with "What the hell happened"?

The following compilation of true stories, letters, and stages of grief will take you on an emotional journey. You will feel the pain and devastation of those left behind as they struggle to accept the reality that has befallen them. You will enter a world where seemingly inconceivable thoughts are common, and the desire for understanding is ever consuming.

May my journey provide you comfort.